Fifty Shades of Ridiculous

We’ll give credit to Jamie Dornan for trying really hard to pull off a “burning gaze” (whatever that means). (Image source: http://www.fiftyshadesmovie.com/)

It’s almost here – the movie that every rabid, silly E. L. James fan has been dying to see, “breath hitching” and all. We, too, are eagerly awaiting this film, if only to see how this primo, magnificently ridiculous boner of a series will get its adaptation. We’re definitely hoping that the choicest of quotes make their way onto the screen, because we can barely contain our hilarity seeing them on the page. For the weeks leading up to the film’s release, we’ve found our favorite cringe-worthy, creep-tastic, and comical quotes from this tome.

When Christian’s not being specifically creepy and Ana’s not being especially dumb, there is still so much ridiculousness to be found in the writing style of E.L. James. Her descriptions of people and places are strangely out of touch (a reasonably priced, small three-bedroom apartment in Pike Place? Come on.), nonsensical, or cringeworthy (Dios mio!). And what’s with the repetition? We get it, Christian Grey has long fingers.

And we aren’t the only ones who think so. This hilarious Amazon review details the 125 times Ana blushes, 124 times she frowns, and some 140 references to her split personalities. We also love this Vulture article that points out that James’ abuses the thesaurus even more than Christian abuses Ana’s ass. And the crowning glory, this excellent infographic that details that Ana utters 116% more “holies” than Batman and Robin (“holy” being the most used word in the whole book). (Holy riding crops Batman, that’s a lot of holies.)

We’re going to bet that the hilarity that results from reading her prose is not intentional. Here’s some of our favorite moments of bad writing:

• Long fingered nonsense:
  • “He extends a long-fingered hand to me once I’m upright.”
  • “When I pluck up the courage to look at him, he’s watching me, one hand relaxed in his lap and the other cupping his chin and trailing his long index finger across his lips.”
  • “He cocks his head to one side, running his index finger across his lower lip…oh my.”
  • “Why does he have such an unnerving effect on me? His overwhelming good looks maybe? The way his eyes blaze at me? The way he strokes his index finger against his lower lip?”
  • “I am restless that night, tossing and turning. Dreaming of smoky gray eyes, coveralls, long legs, long fingers, and dark, dark unexplored places.”
• Burning… eyes?
  • “He’s all shoulders and muscles, tanned skin, dark hair and burning dark eyes.”
  • “And that night, I dream of gray eyes, leafy patterns in milk, and I’m running through dark places with eerie strip lighting, and I don’t know if I’m running toward something or away from it… it’s just not clear.”
  • “Okay… so his gray eyes are still haunting my dreams, and I know it will take an eternity to expunge the feel of his arms around me and his wonderful fragrance from my brain.”
  • “He really is very, very good-looking. It’s distracting. His burning gray eyes gaze at me.”
  • He leans down, his hands on either side of my head, so he’s hovering over me, staring down into my eyes, his jaw clenched, eyes burning.”

“I imagine him as an old-time movie director wearing jodhpurs, holding an old-fashioned megaphone and a riding crop.”

• Jose:
  • “’Dios mio, how the other half live.'”
  • “’Please, Ana, cariña,’ he whispers against my lips. His breath is soft and smells too sweet – of margarita and beer.”
  • “’Ugh – Dios mio, Ana!’ José jumps back in disgust.”
  • “’Dios mio! Ana!’ Holy crap, it’s José. He sounds desperate.”
• Inane observations:
  • “Elena! Holy Fuck. The evil one has a name and its all foreign sounding.”
  • “The apartment is not large, but it’s big enough, three bedrooms and a large living space that looks out on Pike Place Market itself.”
  • “Over our dessert of lemon syllabub, Mia regales us with her exploits in Paris, lapsing at one point into fluent French. We all stare at her, and she stares back, puzzled, until Christian tells her in equally fluent French what she’s done, whereupon she bursts into a fit of giggles.”
• Weird descriptions:
  • “With my heart almost strangling me – because it’s in my throat trying to escape from my mouth – I head down one of the aisles to the electrical section.”
  • “‘The woman who brought me into this world was a crack-whore, Anastasia. Go to sleep.'”
  • “Anticipation runs bubbling like soda through my veins.”
  • “Jeez, he looks so freaking hot.”
  • “Holy cow – he’s so young.”
  • “Through the haze of light, I squint and see Christian leaning over me, smiling. Amused. Amused at me. Dressed! In black.”
  • “Oh no… not the Katherine Kavanagh Inquisition. I shake my head at her in a back-off now, Kavanagh way – but I might as well be dealing with a blind, deaf mute.”

“Laters, baby.”