Fifty Shades of Naivete

She looks like someone who knows what email is, right? Right?? (Image source: http://www.fiftyshadesmovie.com/)

It’s almost here – the movie that every rabid, silly E. L. James fan has been dying to see, “breath hitching” and all. We, too, are eagerly awaiting this film, if only to see how this primo, magnificently ridiculous boner of a series will get its adaptation. We’re definitely hoping that the choicest of quotes make their way onto the screen, because we can barely contain our hilarity seeing them on the page. For the weeks leading up to the film’s release, we’ve found our favorite cringe-worthy, creep-tastic, and comical quotes from this tome. 

While we like heroines who can think for themselves, we find Anastasia Steele to be, well… Lacking. Sort of stereotyped “I like to curl up with a good book on a cloudy day,” “Oh, I’m soooooo nerdy and frumpy” in a one-dimensional kind of way. Her inner musings range from absurd to completely in-eloquent, and god, are we glad she doesn’t speak half of what’s in her brain out loud. Poor Anastasia is a little naive, and perhaps that’s why she takes up with a stranger who exploits her innocence and smacks her (hard) on the rump despite her protestations that she hates it. At least she stands her ground in her desire to be more than a non-emotional conquest, even if she hides behind her “mean machine”  (who EVER calls a laptop a “mean machine”?) when trying to say what she really feels.

It’s hard to decide though: is Anastasia out of  touch with reality, or E.L. James? It’s hard to imagine a college graduate who doesn’t have an email address (this takes place in 2011 for crissakes!), gets turned on by Bruce Springsteen, and fellates asparagus.

• “If this guy is over thirty then I’m a monkey’s uncle.”
• “Oh, the Merc is a fun drive, and the miles slip away as I floor the pedal to the metal.”
• “I must be the color of the communist manifesto.”
• “I am all gushing and breathy – like a child, not a grown woman who can vote and drink legally in the State of Washington.”
• “My mouth goes dry looking at him…he’s so freaking hot.”
• “Vomiting profusely is exhausting.”
• “‘I’m not the strange one, you are,’ I accuse. There – that told him, my courage fueled by alcohol.”
• “Grabbing it quickly, I squirt toothpaste on it and brush my teeth in double quick time. I feel so naughty. It’s such a thrill.”
• “Yes! The more girly I look, perhaps the safer I’ll be from Bluebeard.”
• “It’s so big and growing… That was inside me! It doesn’t seem possible.“
• “He’s my very own Christian Grey flavor popsicle.”
• “I push even harder and, in a moment of extraordinary confidence, I bare my teeth.”
• “”Bruce [Springsteen] is singing about being on fire and his desire. How apt. I flush as I listen to the words.”

“I have an email address?”

• “Picking up a spear of asparagus, I gaze at him and bite my lip. Then very slowly put the tip of my cold asparagus in my mouth and suck it. ‘Anastasia. What are you doing?'”
• “I head into my bedroom and fire up the mean machine.”
• “I’m taken aback. I’ve never undressed a man. ‘You can do it,’ he cajoles softly. Oh my. I blink rapidly. Where to start?”
• “Oh crapola. Don’t get your panties in such a twist… and give me back mine.“

“Fuck, this is sexier than the toothbrush.”

BONUS: Kate doesn’t seem too bright either – and she’s a journalist! Desperate times call for lack of punctuation and abbreviated texts:

“*RU OK Ana*
*Where RU Ana*
*Damn it Ana*”

Want more? Check out our previous Fifty Shades posts:
Fifty Shades of Creepy
Fifty Shades of Multiple Personalities