Fifty Shades of Creepy

(Image source:

Hey there, creeper Christian! (Image source:

It’s almost here – the movie that every rabid, silly E. L. James fan has been dying to see, “breath hitching” and all. We, too, are eagerly awaiting this film, if only to see how this primo, magnificently ridiculous boner of a series will get its adaptation. We’re definitely hoping that the choicest of quotes make their way onto the screen, because we can barely contain our hilarity seeing them on the page. For the weeks leading up to the film’s release, we’ve found our favorite cringe-worthy, creep-tastic, and comical quotes from this tome. We hope you enjoy them as much as we did. 

Christian Grey: young, hot, and fabulously rich, with a traumatic past that just begs for some impressionable young woman to come along and heal his tortured soul with her lovin’. He’s a great catch – if you can overlook his obsessively controlling, stalker-like behavior. We don’t mind that he has some rather, um, unconventional appetites, but we do mind that his “dirty” talk is light on the sexy and heavy on the creepy, rude, and condescending. Here are our favorite lines that illustrate why Ana should have stayed away from this weirdo.

  • “’I have varied interests, Miss Steele.’ A ghost of a smile touches his lips. ‘Very varied.'”
  • “He sounds like a middle-aged man scolding me like an errant child.”
  • “‘I’ve been a fully qualified pilot for four years, Anastasia. You’re safe with me.’ He gives me a wolfish grin. ‘Well, while we’re flying,’ he adds and winks at me.”
  • “‘I’d like to bite that lip,’ he whispers darkly.”
  • “’You can get ready in your room. Incidentally, the walk-in closet is now full of clothes for you. I don’t want any arguments about them.’”
  • “‘Well, if you were mine, you wouldn’t be able to sit for a week after the stunt you pulled yesterday.'”
  • “‘You sound like a control freak.’ The words are out of my mouth before I can stop them. ‘Oh, I exercise control in all things, Miss Steele,’ he says without a trace of humor in his smile.”
  • “‘Anastasia, you should steer clear of me. I’m not the man for you.'”
  • “‘No, Anastasia. I don’t do the girlfriend thing.'”
  • “‘You’re lucky I’m just scolding you.'”
  • “Only Christian Grey could sound so calm and so threatening at the same time.”
  • “He pulls up outside my duplex. I belatedly realize he’s not asked me where I live – yet he knows.”

  • “‘You’re secure, no escaping,’ he whispers, his eyes are scorching…’I like this harness,'”
  • “‘You. Are. So. Sweet.'”
  • “‘If you’re going for option two, debasement, you’ll need to sign this.'”
  • “‘Firstly, I don’t make love. I fuck…hard. Secondly, there’s a lot more paperwork to do, and thirdly, you don’t yet know what you’re in for. You could still run for the hills. Come, I want to show you my playroom.'”
  • “‘I have rules, and I want you to comply with them. They are for your benefit and for my pleasure. If you follow the rules to my satisfaction, I shall reward you. If you don’t, I shall punish you, and you will learn,’ he whispers. I glance at the rack of canes as he says this.”
  • “‘The sooner I have your submission the better, and we can stop all this,’ he murmurs. ‘Stop all what?’ ‘You, defying me.'”
  • “‘No, I told you, I don’t sleep with anyone, except you, when you’re stupefied with drink.’ His eyes are reprimanding.”
  • “‘You will eat,’ he says simply.”
  • “‘I will punish you when you require it, and it will be painful.'”
  • “‘Naughty, sweet girl,’ he whispers.”
  • “’When did you start your period, Anastasia?’ he asks out of the blue, gazing down at me.”
  • “‘I want you to become well acquainted, on first name terms if you will, with my favorite and most cherished part of my body. I’m very attached to this.'”
  • “‘Stop biting your lip, or I will fuck you in the elevator, and I don’t care who gets in with us.'”
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